Day 4: January 4, 2014

Thankfulness for Being Alone.

I know I’m not ALONE alone. (This is where saying the word twice actually means something different than saying it just once. I love that little language device that we’ve adopted.) I mean, just opening up my Facebook lets me know I’m not alone. I am loved. Deeply. By many. It’s one of the things that is helping me get through this cancer B.S.

What I’m talking about here is learning how to be happy being alone, without another person to be in a romantic relationship with. Being married young and for almost 12 years left me completely purposeless after we were apart. I didn’t realize how much of my identity was wrapped around another person. It took several years to find out who I am. Most of the time it made me feel uncomfortable and insecure. When I had moments of clarity it made me thankful that I was getting to discover who I really am. I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I wasn’t “alone.”

During this round of the C-word, I am alone. I’m not in a relationship like I was last time. I am thankful for this. It has in many ways made me stronger.

While I certainly don’t want to be “alone” forever, if I’m not happy with just being myself by myself, then I’m never going to be truly happy when I finally find that person. I will get wrapped up in their lives so much that my identity will become cloudy.

If I could find the clip from Glee (don’t hate me, I love that show) where Sue Sylvester marries herself, I would post it here. I wish FB would let me tag myself in a relationship with myself. Trust me, I’ve tried. I left my status as “in a relationship” because I am. Forever. And if I hadn’t have experienced being “alone”, I never would have found out who I am… and that I can impact others in so many ways.

I am thankful for being alone.


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