Today, I will sleep. It makes the recovery time from my chemo go by quicker.
I am reminded of the difference between want and need today. I need to sleep. I want to feel better. NOW. Like, if I could get up and take a road trip or go camping RIGHT NOW, I totally would.
But my Needer outweighs my Wanter right now. That’s what I call my two major inner scales… the two that duke it out when making decisions. Sometimes the Wanter and Needer clash and it’s a tie.
I am going to dream a little in this post about what I Want. What I want is:
-To be resting in the shade on a warm day at the beach, napping in between reading hysterical short stories, sipping a gin and tonic. With lotsa limes. Tons of ’em.
-To be asked to speak in front of crowds of people about how, even though things look bleak or seem hopeless, waiting patiently and working though the crappola will turn your outlook on the bad stuff into blessings… especially if we expect it to. I want to say: “Where you are in this moment is okay. Be in the moment, while expecting to move forward. Expect to come out on the Other Side a stronger, wiser and more empathetic person. Be open to what the Universe has in store and take it.”
-To take my tent, my favorite camping food and some good tunes to a secluded area to camp and forget about life for awhile… watch the stars at night and contemplate the wonders of our world… without the possibility of bears checking me out.
-To revisit the time when Lora Miller and I were young, laying together in our huge net-type red hammock that Mom and Dad got in Puerto Rico, enjoying the good and fun life we had growing up. I miss that hammock; how it would wrap around us, make us feel like we had a piece of exotic on the deck that Dad and Grandpa Wheelock built around one of our many maple trees. Lora, I love you. We have so much to be thankful for, Sis.
-I want to learn to live in the moment all the time. I want to experience joy in those moments, even if it’s just laying here Needing to sleep, but Wanting something else.
The picture I added here reminds me to be okay with Wanting, but to be aware of my Needer and be thankful for it during this round. Things are getting tougher and my Wanter is having to step aside and graciously allow my Needer to win.
Wanter, your time will come. Until then, thank you for keeping the good things I want in my mind, while letting my Needer take care of me today.
Love, Balancing the Scales
P.S. This was quite a ramble. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I love you all. Thank you, Teresa, for being so unselfish and putting up with my selfishness. I’m glad you’re here, BFF.