I’ve been looking for just the right topic to write about recently for the blog. It’s gotten tough for me to think about anything other than the kids’ school and sports activities, Devon’s incessant calendaring, Hamlet lesson planning for the at-risk high schoolers that I teach, and getting up at 4:30 a.m. to get ready for my long days. I am so thankful for this busy life that I have, especially in light of the fact that last year at this time I was laying around on my futon in the living room, attempting to recover from my latest chemo treatment and feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t even get out of bed to see my kids or poop properly on the loo.
And then I read the latest feature article in our local Reno News and Review this evening. I was totally wowed.
Here’s the article link by Brad Bynum. Don’t forget to come back and read what I have to say. You will get sucked in, so be warned.
I’m so glad you’re back. Let me preface this little novella by stating that I am in favor of people being who they are meant to be at their core, not who others say they should be based on religion, tradition or norms, just so that we can feel comfortable. I am writing from a place of bias and I don’t care if people agree with me or not. I didn’t used to think this “liberal” way, and so I totally understand the other side of things.
But that other side is simply wrong. I won’t even argue about it.
Devon always knew he was gay, but he wasn’t willing to admit it or be at peace about it. I will not speak for him, however. It is his story and I played a small part in it, ultimately. Thank the Maker that I did. Otherwise I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Kris stated it eloquently: “But I will say that, as a person, I’d say that we’re all always growing, always becoming more of who we are. In that sense, I think that everyone is in transition.”
Devon did this. He transitioned. Not anatomically, because that’s not his beef and most people would never think he was a gay man if they met him for the first time. I definitely didn’t accept that he is gay at first and it took me nearly a year and a half to get there. Just like Kris’ parents, I felt that there must be some explanation—some way to fix things. I tried everything I could. I quoted scripture. I got others involved who I thought could help change our situation. I used the kids against Devon. I tried to love him so much that he wouldn’t have any other choice but to desire to be with me in spite of his true core.
Essentially, I was in denial.
The day I accepted him and the inevitable death of our marriage and subsequent divorce, was the day that I accepted his “You’re the only woman I’ve ever truly loved” as a compliment. He used to say this phrase after his Big Reveal to me. I would get all butt hurt and take it as a slap in the face. The day I accepted this as truth was the very day that I decided that it was okay to let go. It just clicked and no amount of scriptural prodding or Christian guilt trip could deter me from my place of peace.
So, what is your hang-up? Did your spouse cheat on you or lie to you in some major way? Yeah. That friggin’ sucks. It may be the most painful type of betrayal one can go through. But does denying your situation by being bitter, angry and spiteful help you transition into happiness and fulfillment in life? Nope. Not a chance. It will only make you a bitter, angry and spiteful person in the future about almost anything.
I was going down that road. I can relate.
Accepting what is and accepting what was… as real and true… is the only positive thing you can do for yourself. I don’t know how to tell you to accomplish this seemly insurmountable task, but you’ll know it when it happens. The only baby step you can take in getting to that place is expecting that it will one day happen. You may have more crap to feel, more words to say, more counseling needed, but if you expect that you will come out on the other side a better and happier person, you will. I guarantee it.
‘Cuz if you’re looking for the positive stuff to show up despite your circumstances, you’ll eventually see it, and it will be glorious. Then you’ll know that you’re transitioning into the person you are meant to be at your core.
Just like Kris. Just like Devon. Just like me. Just like we hope our children will eventually become.
Blessings to you, Kris, and to anyone who finds yourself having to face the toughest thing you’ve ever dealt with in this short life. I am proud of you, Devon, for coming out to me, even if it was forced upon you in some way due to your choices and me trying to change you.
I wouldn’t be who I am today at my core without my past.
My future looks bright. So does yours, even if you can’t see it yet.
Blessings for your Future,