The Bald and the Beautiful

Annie used to look like this:

 

 

 

 

And now “Annie” is no longer Annie.  The new name for the androgynous CPR simulator is Pat, or Mr. Clean, whichever you prefer.

I prefer Mr. Clean.

 

This new CPR doll can appear a little disturbing to most people.  However, I was entirely too turned on by it.

 

 

Intentional shaving of the noggin can make the ugliest of men completely and utterly foxy to me.  I’m good with a hairy back and untrimmed manly area, but if a guy’s head is smooth and unadulterated, I get that 50 Shades of Grey feeling.

You full-head-of-hair single guys out there who are thinking:  “Dammit.  I don’t stand a chance now with this Hot Aryan MILF,” you’re wrong.  Please find me on Match.com, if you dare.  That is, if I ever renew my membership.  If you can keep yourself from typing “your” instead of “you’re” or “they’re” instead of “their”, then I may reconsider.

But seriously, there’s just something about a guy who embraces his non hair-plugged self.  It says:  “I am confident with who I am.  So much so, that when I first noticed that thinning spot near my temples and soft-spot, I wouldn’t ever think a 7 inch combover piece could hide it.  I shaved that shit off, pronto.”

Side note:  For those bald guy friends of mine who are in a happy relationship, I wouldn’t dare go past the thought that you are handsome.  I draw the line at my friends.  You are taken.  Girlfriends or wives of baldies, you are safe from my prowling.  Don’t fret.

Everyone has their fettishes.  Mine is a shiny and shaved skull.  I would go so far as to say that when I see a guy (even if he has a full head of hair), I don’t look at the size of his feet or hands and make anatomical assumptions.  I picture him bald and think that possibly I could change him.

And so when I walked into my required CPR Certification class for my future Masters degree, I was not mentally or sexually prepared to see 10 hot bald guys lying there on the floor in a pile, waiting for me to accost them.  I had only prepared myself to get comfortable with the fact that I would be making out for four hours with a lesbian torso named Annie.

Shocking.  Truly.

Life can take a turn drastically and cause you to do a double-take at the most unexpected times.

Kind of like the time when I jokingly said six years ago to my then husband, after he proclaimed he wouldn’t dare cheat on me with another woman:  “What are you, then?  Gay or something?”

He shockingly said:  “So, you knew this whole time?”

Uh, excuse me?   Wait.  I was only kidding, yo.

Now, six years later, I get to explore my preferrences.  I embrace my circumstance instead of getting bitter about it.  It took awhile to get there.  I tried manipulating Devon for a year and a half into making our marriage work despite his preference for guys.  I used religious jargon against him and tried guilt trips using our three beautiful children to get him to change his “choice” of his now-husband over me.

It didn’t work, obviously.  Finally, six years later, I am at peace with my situation and I love both Devon and his husband.  Our amicable divorce was a big starting point for getting me to a place of love and acceptance of Devon and my single status.

So watch out, Mr. Clean.  I have had a crush on you since before Devon’s Big Reveal, and this isn’t a choice.  It’s a part of who I am at my core.  While I haven’t found the live version of you yet, I will continue to take CPR classes so I can make out with you under the guise of saving your life.  A girl’s got needs, and I’ll get it where I can, even if you don’t have legs that wrap around me, eyelashes, eyebrows or an intellect that can challenge my thinking.

You are out there, Bald Soul Mate.  I just know it.  I won’t give up.  I have so much to give, including my razor for your receding hairline.

Blessings and Baldness,

Emily

Pat, was it good for you, too? Until the next class…

 

One of my favorite Office scenes of all times featuring Dwight cutting off Annie’s face and reenacting a scene from Silence of the Lambs.

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12 thoughts on “The Bald and the Beautiful

  1. omg. now that was funny! you must got all hot and bothered when you see Yul Brynner as Pharaoh in the classic “Ten Commandments”.

    • It was The King and I. I would have begged to be part of his harem. Very hot, indeed. In my version of the movie, I would have saved his life with my CPR and mouth to mouth skills, been crowned queen, and kicked all of the other concubines to the curb.

    • So funny! I was just reading your Wash Day Blues as you commented on my stuff. Ditto, back at you, and no need to apologize for your long hair. I’m just sorry that you may get those locks stuck in the drum of your washing machine as often as you have to stick your head in there.

      • Hi Emily. I was with Ms Bumble when your comment (above) came through. She had just answered you. The ways of blogging eh? Better a head in a washing machine than an oven, possibly a cement mixer next week 😉 I really do enjoy your writing 🙂

  2. Here’s to baldness and hope you get yours. I just hope you’re happy no matter what. Even if you get a guy that isn’t bald perhaps he can shave his head for you. That would be true love. 🙂

  3. Pingback: Any baldies out there?  Probably aren't any straight ones on this Google community,… | Kristopher Jordy

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