I rarely have shitty days anymore. Since fighting and beating cancer, I am Wonder Woman incarnate.
But today, I feel like a piece of ka-ka and my mind is reeling with negative stuff. Phrases are running amok in my head right now:
I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks right back on you.
When you point your finger at me, there are three fingers pointing back at you.
I know you are, but what am I?
Liar, Liar, pants on fire.
These are just several sayings that I could think of off the top of my head that describe what I’m going through. More will follow, I’m sure.
All of these phrases have to do with the countless times I called Devon a “liar”.
I remember confronting Devon about all kinds of things and finding out he was lying. It drove me crazy to no end when he would say things like: “I love you and didn’t want to hurt you.” Really? So you lied? There was no way to justify it in my mind.
When someone lies to you, it can destroy trust, love, relationships and your life. My marriage was destroyed because of lies, even though I tried desperately to cling to our vows and fix it. I was full of all kinds of judgment toward Devon. I’m basically over it now, but it took years to get there. Those old judgments still creep up from time to time, but I choose to deal with them and move forward.
But today, the judgment I poured out on him has come full circle to bitchslap me in the face. I would love to shove it away, find a way to justify it, cover it up, or sweep it under the carpet. However, I’ve made a vow to The Royal We to better myself in all things… including the shitty stuff about myself when it rears its ugly head.
And now, I’ve gotten to experience hurting someone like I was hurt by Devon. There’s no changing it either, even though I wish I could. This issue actually happened in the past, but today was The Day My Hypocrisy Was Fully Realized By The Royal We.
The gist of the scenario is that I covered up information from a loved one (lied and justified it) so that this person wouldn’t feel hurt. I love this person and while I didn’t say to myself: “Oh, I’m totally going to lie about this,” I did it anyway.
(The lies weren’t the exact same topics as Devon’s, just to clarify. But it was still a lie. Try not to speculate too much. Just stick with the basic principle that I’m talking about here.)
Once the truth came out to this loved one, pretty much unintentionally, it hurt this person even worse because I chose to lie about it to save this individual from hurt in the beginning. But honestly (and I’m being brutally honest here), whom was I really protecting? This person or myself?
The answer is of course, myself. Yet I turned it around to justify my lying.
I found a quote from one of my favorite authors today. Mark Twain seriously said so many things about nearly every topic you can think of. He’s my favorite because he speaks truth by using irony, sarcasm, analogies and metaphors. He’s a master wordsmith. Here’s one of the many things he said about lying:
[Lying] Man’s most universal weakness.
– quoted in Mark Twain and I, by Opie Read
True. So true.
One of the things I’ve learned about my life has something to do with another adage: Never say never. Things like: I’ll never hate someone, I’ll never let my house look like hers, I’ll never own a pet, I’ll never [insert pretty much anything here]… have all been done by me at one time or another.
(I hope that I never hear the words come out of my mouth: I’ll never eat bacon again. That will probably be the day when little piggies fly.)
To continue on with this theme, I’ve actually said: “I’ll never lie to someone like I was lied to. That was so hurtful that I know I could never do that to someone I love.”
Well, here’s another saying: Pride cometh before the fall.
So now I’ve experienced the other side of things. Karma is a bitch. (Another great phrase. Yes, it is a bitch.)
I’m feeling pretty humble right now. I think I needed to write about this and share it with you for a few reasons:
1. Devon, you’re human. I’ve told you before that I forgive you. You know this. But I want to ask you to forgive me for beating you up so badly and acting holier than thou. This has been a tough lesson for me to learn. It’s a pretty typical pattern for me to have to learn the hard way and now I get it when you said to me so many times that you loved me and didn’t want to hurt me. Doing this may have been lying, so it’s not an excuse. But it’s very human to do it anyway. I guess maybe I now understand that being human is a reason, but not an excuse.
2. Learn from my experience, please. If you’re currently going through your divorce, you’ll likely say tons of horrible things to each other’s faces and about your spouse to other people. You can’t take words back. Please try to remember that when you point your finger at someone, you may very well be pointing right back at yourself. You might have to eat crow. (Man, there are so many friggin’ phrases to live by.)
3. “I’ll never pull the shit that he/she did to me.” I would like to think that you wouldn’t. Probably you won’t. Just be careful when you use the word “never”. You’re human. Humans screw things up all the time, even unintentionally. Perhaps by accepting the human side of your ex, maybe you will be able to experience just a millimeter of empathy toward him or her that could help you move down the road of being amicable.
4. When you experience those humble pie moments, like the one I am dealing with right now, expect to move toward a place where you can forgive yourself. I’m working on that. Writing about it helps. Then make sure to ask the person you offended to forgive you without saying “Sorry, but…” There’s no excuse. You F’d up. Period.
5. Be willing to be humble, or life will find a way to make you humble.
6. The most amazing thing just happened. My daughter Maddie and her best friend Jackie walked in the door 30 minutes ago and presented me with a handmade “Book of Encouragements” just for me. Call it synchronicity, God, the Universe, or whatever… I am blessed. Wow. I really needed that. The quotes all range from sappy to funny to wise. But my favorite one today is on the third to last page:
If you tell the truth, you never have to remember anything. –Mark Twain
Mark Twain, I wish I could bring you back from the dead. I want to have your babies.
And that’s the truth.