Hold on, Loyal Subjects. The Royal We is about to ramble.
If this kind of thing bothers you, then I will give you a moment to politely X out and move onto another one of your favorite blog sites. Or Facebook. That’s always a safe choice.
Cricket, cricket. Pause, pause.
So as I was saying, I’m about to puke all over you with a bunch of sentimentality. I hope you’re ready.
I’ve had the most wonderful day. I woke up at 10 a.m., which is an extreme rarity for me. I’m usually up at 5 a.m. drinking coffee on the porch and listening to the cute little birds sing. (These same birds eventually come and deposit their bowels on my freshly done hair weave. No kidding. Really happened. I’ll tell you about that another time.) I hung out on the porch, stalked my Facebook and blog stats, drank a Bloody Mary, did some homework, went to a dynamite barbeque, and then walked home. All in all, today was fabulous.
Then I talked with my kids on the phone, like I do every evening when they’re not with me. They’re with Devon and their step-dad, Felipe, in Santa Cruz, California, for the next eight days for the Fourth of July holiday. Today, they went walking on the beach, picked up some seashells for my collection and were getting to stay up super late (this is a novelty for them as Devon and I are sticklers about them going to bed early, even in the summer). They sounded happy, just like children should be.
And then Kate said: “Mommy, I really wish you were here. Are you feeling bubbly or sad?”
I think sometimes that Kate is connected on a first-name basis with the boss of the Universe. She is seriously one of the most intuitive kids I’ve ever met.
I nearly cried on the spot.
You see, Devon and the kids and I used to go to the Monterey Bay area at least twice a year. I even have an entire scrapbook dedicated to those vacations. Those were some of the happiest memories of my life. And now he’s there with them, without me.
Huh. Just when I think I’m totally at peace with my life and content to be alone, my daughter has to go and say something like that.
I can’t even believe that things have changed so drastically sometimes. This is not how I ever pictured that my life would turn out. Here I am, happy, healthy (F U cancer. I kicked your ass), and content with the way things are… and I’m not with my kids making memories with Devon and the bambinos in one of my favorite spots on this earth. So depressing.
Do you know how I feel? Please tell me I’m not alone in this.
If you’ve been through a divorce, amicable or not, this shit can creep up on you at the most unexpected times, whether it’s been 6 years or 20.
I guess that’s what dealing with the death of a loved one feels like. You can feel fine for a long time, and then that feeling of loss can just hit you like a freak car accident.
No, Devon isn’t dead. Thank God. My alimony and child support would suffer too much. I’d be living out of a raunchy motel room faster than you can say, “evicted”. Seriously, I don’t want him dead. He’s too important to the kids, and even myself, I dare say.
But our marriage is dead. That seriously sucks, even six years later.
So what do I do with these super sad feelings? In the past I would just shove them down and not deal with them.
But now? I write. In fact, I write about them and share them with you. Then I go pull out that Santa Cruz scrapbook and waste an entire box of Kleenex. I might even take a Xanex and fall asleep.
Tomorrow I will wake up at 5 a.m., drink my coffee on the porch, listen to those diabolical shit-dropping birds and reflect on how wonderful my life and memories truly have been. I will think of things to be thankful for, like my health, my kids’ happiness, my positive future, amazing barbecues and bacon.
I’ll probably blog about all of that, too. Having the purpose of helping others face their divorce with transparency and strength is a pretty good reason to exist.