Mawwiage. That Bwessed Awwangement.
“Man and WIFE. Say: ‘Man and WIFE!’”
Whoa. What a hot button. We haven’t spoken much about it on SameSides. Well, we talk about marriage and the lack thereof, but specifically we haven’t said much about same-sex marriage. We aren’t scared of talking about it, though. We have refrained in order to keep our blog on the subject of amicable divorce and getting along with your ex.
But, it’s time to say something now, especially in light of the SCOTUS ruling and all that stuff. You know, Pride marches, celebrities and athletes coming out of the closet, etc.
Devon is certainly more of an expert about it than I am, however. I mean, he and Felipe are registered Domestic Partners in Nevada, where civil marriage isn’t legal for them yet. They wear wedding rings and all that, and even though Domestic Partnership is supposed to be a concession and similar to marriage, it doesn’t quite work that way. Just ask us about filing our taxes this year. What a friggin’ nightmare and completely NOT the same as two people filing jointly as married. Seriously, it was a HUGE pain in the arse for Felipe and Devon.
I have alluded to my opinion a few times on this blog, but I will state it very clearly here in case you have any doubt: Same-sex marriage should absolutely be allowed. Also, to be clear, I am very well versed in what this actually means for marriage in our country: it means equality for all people who desire to be married, regardless of sexual orientation.
It DOESN’T mean that men are going to be allowed to marry boys, that sisters can marry brothers, that a group of 15 poly-amorous people can have a giant wedding at the courthouse, that heterosexual marriages are in danger of becoming extinct, or that churches will be forced to perform same-sex marriage ceremonies in their houses of worship.
And let’s be brutally honest, here. Heterosexuals are endangering the “sanctity” of marriage quite effectively all on their own, thank you very much. Much of the hype from the “right” is fear mongering straw-man tactics, plain and simple.
So, let me bring this back to the marriage that Devon and I shared for nearly 13 years. Devon didn’t want to be gay. I mean, who would want to be gay in a society where it’s just not cool? Things may be getting better, no doubt, but 13 years ago (hell, he’s 38, so back then, totally NOT cool at all), he didn’t want to face his stuff. I will let him speak for himself, but he didn’t want to admit he was gay. I’ll bet he ignored his feelings and thoughts or justified them as insignificant. I remember thinking, when I first found out, that he used me as a cover for his “gayness.” It was a real feeling, and valid in some ways, but he didn’t use me. He really did love me. In other words, it wasn’t a malicious, intentional act.
We loved each other. So, it was mawwiage for us.
Let’s just say, though, for the sake of argument, that he did marry me to cover up who he was. That’s not an excuse, but really, can you blame him? Have you read the horrible comments people make every second on the internet that are horrible, hateful, unloving and even murderous? If you haven’t, then maybe you’ve been turning a blind eye. I mean, I am talking disgusting things being said about people who are gay. I remember Devon being terrified about the people in our church finding out about him coming out to me. You know why? Because he was horrified to think that the parents of the kids he pastored as a Youth Minister would believe he was a pedophile preying on their young boys.
This was a reality for him, people. And I don’t blame him for wanting to keep things on the DL. Thankfully, in the end, things have worked out. If you want to read more of the details of our story just go to our “Media/Press Releases” section. You can find the deets there. We’ve been dang blessed with the opportunity to encourage others through our story.
I am thankful that we did get married, though. I wouldn’t have my awesome kids, the memories and growth I gained by knowing Devon, the opportunity to continue to be close friends with he and his family (and Felipe)… and my scrapbook collection is really friggin’ sweet, too.
I read an article in Cosmopolitan about Jason Collins (NBA player) coming out and how his ex-fiance was affected. Carolyn Moos is someone whom I like to think that I look like to others and what I see when I’m in the mirror (of course, the reality is I’m shorter and squishier than her, but she is a beautiful blonde athlete who played college basketball at Stanford and in the WNBA). Jason broke off their 8 year relationship and engagement in 2009, without giving her a clear reason.
If you read her article (and any interviews) you will hear the pain in her story. It’s still pretty fresh to her. It’s been several years since her breakup with him, but the unanswered questions as to why have been very recent and public. Honestly, he didn’t handle it very well in my opinion, but when is news like that ever handled well? It wasn’t for me. I made a joke. Devon thought I was serious. That’s how I found out. Lovely, huh?
But she is trying. She’s trying so hard to be as gracious as possible. Kudos to her. Should he have told her well before the article in Sports Illustrated came out this spring? You bet. Kinda dumb of him. But that’s on his conscience, not hers.
(Here’s the link to the article in Cosmo. Don’t forget to come back.)
THANK GOD they didn’t get married. It’s always the famous people who get dragged through the mud by the media when a spouse gets caught cheating… let alone when the husband gets caught with another MAN. Governor Jim McGreevy, Tim Haggard, Senator Larry Craig… all men in the media who lived a double life. In fact, they lived a completely antithetical life to seemingly cover up for their homosexual stuff. Blech. Just imagine if Carolyn Moos had gotten married to him. First of all, Jason Collins would be one miserable person… not because of her, but because of him not being true to himself. Secondly, the betrayal would be 10 times worse for Carolyn.
Trust me. It royally sucked. Thankfully we have chosen to bring our story willingly to the public in small ways. We’re not famous. We’re not infamous. But we’ve had the privilege of helping people because of it. I didn’t have that when Devon came out. I vowed that I would make sure to help others because I didn’t have the support of people who really understood what I was actually experiencing. Don’t get me wrong. People helped. But no one really knew what I was going through.
I know that Carolyn needs to go through her stuff. She needs to be angry, betrayed, hurt, distrusting, work through insecurities, etc. These are all things I needed to work through, too. But she doesn’t have kids with Jason. She doesn’t have to go through a divorce. She doesn’t have to cover for him… because he came out all on his own to the media.
Things could definitely be worse.
And now, she can still find that one true love. Get married if she wants to. Have babies. Be a stay-at-home-mom or a working mom. She seems to have a wonderful career in California with training and fitness and charity, from what I can tell. She’s got a lot going for her.
And Jason can do the same thing. No hiding. No shame. He can marry a man if he wants to, raise kids if he wants to, coach their basketball team, start a business, be a man in a society that accepts him for who he is. All of it.
Who are these people who fight so strongly against others who are gay and want to get married? I guess I used to be one of them in many ways. I thought being gay was a sin. I thought God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. I thought that marriage was between one woman and one man. DOMA seemed perfectly okay with me at one point in my life. But I’ve been humbled. Really humbled.
My husband came out. That makes you face your stuff pretty quickly.
So, while I’m still looking for my Wesley, waiting for him to sweep me off my feet, mawwiage is possible for everyone. It is no longer inconceivable for two men or two women to have the same rights of all people as guaranteed under the Constitution of the United States. People don’t have as much of a need to hide to protect themselves from hatred and bigotry these days, even compared to 13 years ago. Sure, we still have a long ways to go, but I am thankful to be a part of this time in our history. Now everyone can fall head-over-heels for their Wesley… or Buttercup… and have that Bwessed Awwangement.
May You Receive Everything As You Wish,